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General Question

M

Misswildcard

New member
What in your opinion is the best way to vet a D/s dynamic to see if that Dom is a good fit. Ive been told -talking is the best- but through my experience people just say what they think you want to hear. Then when you try to hold them accountable the Dom gets mad and uses the fact Im submissive as a door to treat me poorly or be disrespectful. Im finding it hard to now open up to people who are interested in the dynamic with me. Im still new to this whole life style. So any advice would be happily appreciated. Thanks -Flower
 
Hello Flower. Thats a really good question and an important one too. You have to remember just because some one is a 'Dom', you are not their submissive until you allow it. You still hold as much power as they do. So before 'submitting' you need to make sure that the Dom you have chosen is the right one for you. There is absolutely no rush to jump into any dynamic until you are comfortable with your decisions. You also need to remember that even if you are in the dynamic and you feel you are treated in a different way that you expected or agreed upon, you can walk away at any point from the dynamic. A key question is: what do you look for in a Dom? There are definitely core items that I would say every Dom should have but even if the individual is a 'good' Dom, they still may not be the right fit for you. So to your of question of 'vetting', well the people you talked to are right, it really is getting to know the person, do they meet what youre looking for, are they trying to understand your needs? and this does take time. The right Dom will be patient and make sure youre comfortable and move at your pace.
Stop by our BDSM room, you will find experienced submissives that can share their experiences and help with questions too.
 
TheDon said:
Hello Flower. Thats a really good question and an important one too. You have to remember just because some one is a 'Dom', you are not their submissive until you allow it. You still hold as much power as they do. So before 'submitting' you need to make sure that the Dom you have chosen is the right one for you. There is absolutely no rush to jump into any dynamic until you are comfortable with your decisions. You also need to remember that even if you are in the dynamic and you feel you are treated in a different way that you expected or agreed upon, you can walk away at any point from the dynamic. A key question is: what do you look for in a Dom? There are definitely core items that I would say every Dom should have but even if the individual is a 'good' Dom, they still may not be the right fit for you. So to your of question of 'vetting', well the people you talked to are right, it really is getting to know the person, do they meet what youre looking for, are they trying to understand your needs? and this does take time. The right Dom will be patient and make sure youre comfortable and move at your pace.
Stop by our BDSM room, you will find experienced submissives that can share their experiences and help with questions too.
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Thanks Don ill stop by
 
Look for a person, not a label. How do you vet friendships? How would you vet any other partner? Compatibility, integrity, mutual desire for the same result. Take your time and get to know someone.

Just because someone can cook, doesn't mean they can cook what you like. Just because someone is a Doctor, does not mean that their specialty will meet your needs. Labels mean very little until they are supported by consistency and compatibility.
 
H_D said:
Look for a person, not a label. How do you vet friendships? How would you vet any other partner? Compatibility, integrity, mutual desire for the same result. Take your time and get to know someone.

Just because someone can cook, doesn't mean they can cook what you like. Just because someone is a Doctor, does not mean that their specialty will meet your needs. Labels mean very little until they are supported by consistency and compatibility.
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H_D thank you for putting it into that perspective. I really appreciate that. With that being said. With friendships its easier to hold onto that boundary that is set because walking away from a friendship while it may hurt to lose that person it can be justified by the facts of why you walked away. In my experience (and thats not alot ive had maybe 3 actual Doms in my journey) its harder to walk away once that romantic connection is made. I guess because the feelings get in the way and its harder to realize red flags or crossed boundaries in the moment. Im just new to this life and the experiences I have had are not the greatest so now im questioning if I even deserve a Dom. Or if im stuck living life being unfulfilled. If that makes sense.
 
Misswildcard said:
H_D thank you for putting it into that perspective. I really appreciate that. With that being said. With friendships its easier to hold onto that boundary that is set because walking away from a friendship while it may hurt to lose that person it can be justified by the facts of why you walked away. In my experience (and thats not alot ive had maybe 3 actual Doms in my journey) its harder to walk away once that romantic connection is made. I guess because the feelings get in the way and its harder to realize red flags or crossed boundaries in the moment. Im just new to this life and the experiences I have had are not the greatest so now im questioning if I even deserve a Dom. Or if im stuck living life being unfulfilled. If that makes sense.
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The best of Dominants may not be the right one for you. Losing a bond is difficult, regardless of how it formed. However, unhealthy is unhealthy. Incompatible, regardless of how much you wish it weren't so, is like cutting the corners off a square peg so it fits in a round hole. You're both just suppressing yourself and ignoring your needs, which isn't healthy.

It does not have to be abusive or malicious to be unhealthy, it simply needs to be contradictory to your needs and relationship requirements. Whether or not you deserve a significant other, frankly, isn't your call. It's the one who chooses to devote themselves to a relationship with you. You are not stuck being unfulfilled if you do not accept being unfulfilled for the sake of not being single.

The answer remains though, the best way to vet a potential match, is to observe who they are as a person. Their character, how they treat others, particularly those lower in standing than them. You observe, you discuss openly and honestly, and if they can't do that, then they're already not the right one.
 
H_D said:
The best of Dominants may not be the right one for you. Losing a bond is difficult, regardless of how it formed. However, unhealthy is unhealthy. Incompatible, regardless of how much you wish it weren't so, is like cutting the corners off a square peg so it fits in a round hole. You're both just suppressing yourself and ignoring your needs, which isn't healthy.

It does not have to be abusive or malicious to be unhealthy, it simply needs to be contradictory to your needs and relationship requirements. Whether or not you deserve a significant other, frankly, isn't your call. It's the one who chooses to devote themselves to a relationship with you. You are not stuck being unfulfilled if you do not accept being unfulfilled for the sake of not being single.

The answer remains though, the best way to vet a potential match, is to observe who they are as a person. Their character, how they treat others, particularly those lower in standing than them. You observe, you discuss openly and honestly, and if they can't do that, then they're already not the right one.
Click to expand...
I appreciate all your advice. Thank yoy so very much. Do you have any recommendations on how the best way to do that with an online dynamic. I guess thats where im struggling the most. Im so shy its hard for me to really see someone's intent when its typing. Do you have recommendations on say training of the sort if that even exists.
 
Misswildcard said:
I appreciate all your advice. Thank yoy so very much. Do you have any recommendations on how the best way to do that with an online dynamic. I guess thats where im struggling the most. Im so shy its hard for me to really see someone's intent when its typing. Do you have recommendations on say training of the sort if that even exists.
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Take your time and don't rush in. Online, physically, may be safer. Emotionally and psychologically, its just as dangerous. If it's hard to see someone's intent, then that is an indication to slow down, shake off the NRE, get your head straight and think logically.
 
H_D said:
Take your time and don't rush in. Online, physically, may be safer. Emotionally and psychologically, its just as dangerous. If it's hard to see someone's intent, then that is an indication to slow down, shake off the NRE, get your head straight and think logically.
Click to expand...
I appreciate your help. Thank you so much
 
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